Ramblings of the Day

I am so lucky to have a good job. Sometimes it totally stresses me out, like today, but, its way nice to not have to worry about student loans or anything like that yet.

My heart is about to rip right out of my chest. For a lot of reasons.

(No worries, its more good than bad.)

I HATE NOT HAVING A PLAN FOR MY LIFE.

It seriously stresses me out.

A LOT.

a lot a lot a lot.

Got it?

Its my fatal flaw.

I have to have a plan for everything.

And for a lot of things I get by with just the basics.

Like when I go to the grocery store I know I'm gonna start with non- food and end very last with Milk.

Not a super thought out obsessive plan, but something to go by.

When I was younger the plan was:

Grow Up

Graduate High School

Go To College

Hopefully Get Married

Have a Family

See? Not that hard right?

and when I was in High School everything was pretty much the same for 4 years.

Now Everything is weird.

I have a job, but I need another one.

I need to find somewhere to live this summer that won't break my bank account.

I don't know what I'm minoring in.

I don't know what classes I'm going to take in the fall.

I can't predict what the next 6 months are going to look like and it scares me to death!!!!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I've always been a fairly spontaneous person. But thats just cause I don't mind changing plans when something cooler comes along.

But if I don't have a plan, how can I change the plan???

UGH.

Basically, I'm stressed.

I want to go home,

but there are too many things, too many important people in Cedar.

I want to have someone to take care of me when I'm stressed like this,

but I don't want to be babied.

I want to have time to think,

but I like being busy so that I don't have to.

My life is a walking contradiction.

I'm not sure I'm ok with that.